Even when I’m happy, I’m a little bit sad.
I think it’s just a natural defense for my brain. I never allow myself more than a minute of pure 100% unadulterated happiness.
Because I know if I do, it’s going to be snatched away from me. There are only rare and few moments in my life where I have felt joy. Usually there is this fear stuck in the silver lining of my brain to just hold on to whatever I can get and to not gloat by being too enthused; cause nothing lasts in this world.
I hate how there is always an opposite reaction and feeling to every emotion we may feel at some point in our lives. Everything is so temporary. Like when I am truly at peace, some particles in the universe are reacting and ensuring pure and total chaos to some other poor soul.
But that is balance and that is totally unfair.
I know people who used to have this perfect life and they did for a number of years, then with a sudden twist of fate; their carpet of perfection was ripped from beneath their feet in a momentary blink of an eye.
I am one of those people. And I know so many others. But I know if I’ve suffered for years, something will turn around and one day I won’t be too scared to feel what I want to feel.